


Humanhood

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Het, Oral Sex, oldfic, quite rude in places, rly old liek 2006, take me time lord
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 05:45:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3316391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There really are no good euphemisms for certain things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Humanhood

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Человеческое достоинство](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12650919) by [littledoctor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/littledoctor/pseuds/littledoctor)



"I think 'humanhood' could work," said the Doctor.

Rose stared down at him, propping herself up on her elbows. "What?"

"Humanhood. For your..." he gestured, "...for your humanhood."

Rose sighed. "If you can't say it, I don't think you should be licking it." She thought for a moment. "I'm not saying you shouldn't."

"That's exactly what you said."

"It's not what I meant, though." She realised she was letting him go off-topic. That was something he did quite often, and she had been a bit annoyed to discover that his brain did not automatically switch out of that mode if sex was on agenda. "So, about my..." She tailed off.

The Doctor raised an eyebrow, rather smugly as it happened. "See? You can't say it either and it's yours."

"It's not like I've given it a name," she said. A thought occurred to her. "Have you given yours a name?"

He looked up at her, framed between her legs and curiously enough wearing his glasses. It was a bit odd. She thought about taking a photograph. 'Naked, bespectacled alien, framed by human thighs.' Sometimes she had really weird thoughts.

"Rose," he said, calmly, "I don't have one of those. You know that."

"You know what I mean." God, he was annoying sometimes. "I meant your... you know."

"You're a very odd woman," he said, as if this astounding revelation had just occurred to him. "And no, that would just be weird. What sort of person names parts of their own anatomy?"

"Mickey did," she said, not quite thinking.

"I bet he did," said the Doctor. He stroked a finger over what might or might not be termed Rose's humanhood. "I like your humanhood. It's lovely."

"Really?" No one had ever complimented her on her humanhood before.

"It's one of the nicest humanhoods I've ever seen. And I've seen quite a few. Well." He had that look on his face. The one that meant he was trying to remember something semi-important. "Are we counting both types of humanhood or just the female variety?"

"You do know it's not polite to talk about other people's... humanhoods when you're in bed with someone, yeah?"

He nodded. "I'd heard that."

She just couldn't help herself. "What about Timelordhoods?"

"What a daft word."

"Yeah but... well, alienhoods in general. Have you seen many of those?"

He was counting. She could tell he was counting. She should have learned from that time she'd mentioned STDs and how she didn't know where he'd been and he'd launched into a very long list of places until she'd had to put her hand over his mouth to shut him up.

He was such a...

"Twat!" she said, suddenly. "That's sort of... it's not too clinical, but not too much like swearing."

"Yeah, but if you're going to reclaim words, you might as well go the whole way. What about c-"

"Can't you just not call it anything?"

The Doctor thought about this for a moment. "But I like words," he whined.

"So, basically, your hobbies include anything you can do with your mouth?" Oh my God, had she really just said that? Out loud?

He nodded. "Yes."

Oh. "Oh."

"So I think it's important that we have a word for this thing," he prodded it gently, "because I like the way it tastes."

"What does it taste of?" She really had to stop talking. Perhaps she'd caught it from him. Perhaps the Doctor was a sexually-transmitted disease. She wasn't going to say that out loud though.

He licked at the part of her that they had yet to agree on a name for and thought for a moment. "Human," he said. "It tastes of human."

"Just... human?"

"That's the most noticable thing, yeah."

Why did he have to be so strange? "Are you a sexually-transmitted disease?" Shit. She really hadn't meant to say that one.

"Well," he said, suddenly philosophical, "aren't we all, when you get right down to it? Except people grown in vats. And some plants. Oh, and people whose parent's a fertile and quite limber hermaphrodite." He got an odd look in his eyes.

"You're thinking about limber hermaphrodites, aren't you?"

"Might be," he said, vaguely. He licked his lips. "Can we decide what to call your humanhood so that we can stop talking about your humanhood?"

"Look," she was getting frustrated, in more ways than one, "just pick a name for it."

"But what if I pick one you don't like? What if one day we go somewhere and I say 'Rose, can I lick your whatever?' and you just slap me?"

"I wouldn't do that," she said, and meant it. Oh, how she meant it.

He stared at the thing they didn't have a name for. "I like the rest of you," he said, after a while. "I don't want you thinking I only like you for your humanhood."

"My humanhood feels quite neglected," she said, pointedly.

He frowned. "Rose, it doesn't have feelings. Not that kind, anyway." He seemed a bit worried. "Does it? Have I just been wrong all these years?"

She quite wanted to slap him by this point. "I didn't mean that literally."

"Oh. That's good to know. It was either me being wrong - which almost never happens - or you being some weird freak of nature, and I wasn't sure how to break that to you gently."

"...right."

"Like I said, I've seen a lot of humanhoods - both kinds - so I'd like to think I know what I'm talking about. Probably know more than you do, but then you've got one of your own so maybe I don't."

He was never going to stop talking. She could tell.

"And no two are the same, obviously, but the basics are common to them all. Well, male and female there are obvious differences, but even dividing it into categories that's still two categories within which there isn't that much variation."

She grabbed his head.

"Rose? What are you mmmph."

That was better. "Keep talking if you like," she said, pushing her hips up a bit. It was nice. It was very nice. "That's... oh. Oh." Not much more and she'd -

"Come again?"

She was going to kill him. "I hate you," she said.

"No, really, did you say something? I couldn't really hear very well. You had your thighs sort of squashing my head."

Subtlety was well over-rated. She spread her legs and pushed her chest up. "Take me, Time Lord."

The Doctor nodded. "Alright. Take you where?"

Bloody hell. "Take me to the uncharted heights of sexual pleasure?"

"You sure? The food's quite nice, but the weather's terrible."

Rose blinked. "That's a real place?"

"Course it is." He sat up. "Do you really want to go there?"

"I want to have sex. With you," she added, because they'd had some confusion on that matter before.

The Doctor blinked at her. "Why didn't you say?"

"I said 'Take me, Time Lord.' That was me asking for sex."

"Oh. Should I say 'Take me, Human'?"

"You can if you want. I'm really not that fussy. I am quite desperate for a shag, though." She lifted her hips towards him. "Humanhood. Timelordhood. Match made in the heavens. So just shut up and get in there and we can name it later."

"Oh, alright then."

And then they done sex.


End file.
